Welcome · to · Bren'sarhan!

Well, I am slightly behind on my NaNo word count thanks to being knocked on my proverbial behind during week 1. I may not reach that pinnacle of 50,000 words.

But I have now found out that writing is like training for sports. The more you do, the more you CAN do.

I can write over 5,000 words a day if I actually open up a notepad document whenever I'm inspired and just let the scene ride.

Holy crap.

I guess I should update on the "state of Mel" again. :) Good news, had my bankruptcy hearing. Now it's just a matter of waiting for the dispute deadline to pass and hopefully be exonerated. Bad news, due to circumstances beyond my control, I have no transportation again. So back to being mostly homebound. Suckage.

Good news, I like my new therapist and I think we'll get along famously. Bad news, my doctors want to fiddle with my meds again since I am still in pain (although I'm in much, much, muuuuuch less than I used to be!). Hence the subject title. :p There was a bunch more crap, but that's the general overview.

On another note, the NaNoWriMo forums this year are depressing me. Everyone seems to be taking it so incredibly seriously with these insanely complex plots and multi-layered characters.

I'm writing totally cliche, plot looks like I spent too much time on TV Tropes, self-indulgent fluff. I know what my goal is. I've tried writing more pretentious stuff the last 4 years and I've never finished, which is why I'm going for silly. And yet, I feel so outnumbered.

It's not going to stop me. Maybe it's what I need to Win! But dang it's a bit wearying.

This is October.

Which means NaNoWriMo is next month!

I've lost count of how many years I've participated. ^_^;; But I've never won (thank you, life. I love you, honest.).

Who knows? It may be my year. :)

It's really very strange when a thought hits you from out of the blue, kind of like a bullet between the eyes.

I'm sitting, staring at the manuscript I've been scribbling down revised scenes for and realizing:

Next year, I'll have been working on this particular piece for 20 years.

It's been revised and expanded, hacked apart and ruthlessly abandoned for years at a time. It's faced ridicule and harsh critique.

Yet I keep coming back to it.

I'm too young to have a Magnum Opus. But if it toddles out into the full light of day someday, it will definitely be my life's work.

All this... and it's fanfiction, created before I knew there was a term for it. Rather fitting, perhaps, since the arena of "real world authoring" is too structured, deadline-y, and stressful for me.

*looks at her eclectic browser bookmarks and sighs*

Yes, "late nights" make me maudlin. :p

Even though once I went searching, I realized I'm a month behind the times, the fact that I literally squealed aloud when looking for what anime is coming out for Fall 2009 just goes to prove that once I love a fandom, it never truly goes away.

Inu Yasha: Final Act
http://www.animenewsnetwork.com/news/2009-07-24/viz-adds-inuyasha-final-act-kekkaishi-anime

Anime picking up where it left off in the manga. Yes, yes, I know I even stopped reading the manga at the end because it was so repetitive. But...

SQUEE!

:D

Now if only I were still rich enough to buy the releases. *sigh* Maybe it'll be online someplace so I can at least watch it? Hope hope!

Stolen from lazzchan :

What Be Your Nerd Type? Your Result: Drama Nerd   You sure do love the spotlight and probably have a very out-going and loud personality. Or not. That's just a stereotype, of course. Participation in the theatre is something to be very proud of. Whether you have a great voice for musicals, or astounding skills for dramas/comedies; keep up the good work. We need more entertainment these days that isn't television and video games (not that these things are bad, necessarily.)
Literature Nerd
Gamer/Computer Nerd
Artistic Nerd
Anime Nerd
Musician
Social Nerd
Science/Math Nerd
What Be Your Nerd Type? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

Those who want to read the woes; they're f-locked. Just in case. But here is a highlight of the last couple of days.

Sometimes you just stumble upon a fanfic that you just absolutely love. Most of those on my f-list are authors of stories I've so thoroughly enjoyed. It's been a while since I've been a pile of massive squee. I do still have a tendency to browse the Labyrinth section of ff.net from time-to-time, half groaning at 99% of the stuff out there. (IY is waaaaaay too scary for me to touch with a 10-foot pole since its immigration to US shores, and I'm still admittedly burned out on Howl's :( ).

Then you find a diamond in the rough:

"Shattered" - by TarnishedArmour
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5200807/1/Shattered
Summary: After winning the Goblin King's challenge, why does Sarah feel like she's lost? Will she ever tell him why she ran from her dreams? And if she does, what will he do? He just might give her the challenge of her life... **Dark/Disturbing Scenes--Beware**

Yes, it is dark and slightly twisted. But it's an incredibly intelligent read, and one of the better "updates" of the Labyrinth I've read. The author also knows how to blend the light with the dark. And the behemoth is nearly 200,000 words!

So if anybody would like a good read, I highly recommend it.

Just in case anybody hasn't been following the news lately, here's a new development for anybody who receives government benefits. Even the lawyers I'd spoken to said that creditors cannot garnish my bank account since all the money in there is from Social Security Disability. Apparently, they were wrong:

http://www.military.com/news/article/June-2009/creditors-use-loophole-to-seize-benefits.html?wh=wh

In other words, if you get your payments by direct deposit, the bank CAN freeze your assets, and then you have to deal with proving the source of your money and that the creditors cannot touch it. Which can leave you without any money for months!

Strangely enough, I was just considering changing to Direct Deposit. Now I'm really glad I didn't, at least until this bankruptcy thing is over and done with.

Bye bye checkbook, helloooooo money orders!

I'm not sure whether it's a good or a bad thing when you look at your LJ and realize you haven't posted an entry in 2 months! ^_^;;

I guess it's just that, well, it's honestly no news is good news. Everything is still up in the air, so there hasn't really been much to write about. Still working on the Medicaid stuff, and the structured day program. Slow but steady, or at least, I'm hoping.

Are you sure all of you on my f-list haven't soaked up *my* drama? Sheesh I've missed so much! *massive HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGS and cookies to all who need*

Well, nothing except a fandom-related rant.

Directed at Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Somebody gag, tie a 2-ton boulder to his feet, and shove him off the London Bridge, please? Before November?

My inner phangirl is going to go cry in a corner as bad published fanfic becomes an actual musical.

Life is still having its share of interestingness (like fighting to keep Medicaid through a "spend-down" since my disability payments are $17 freaking dollars over the minimum income level), overall I'm mostly waiting. April for the docs, June for the bankruptcy. Found a good day program, but have to get a brain injury waiver in place and reassure that I'll have Medicaid to cover it. But I'll make it through. :)

Finally had enough stress leave I've been able to work on cross-stitch again, which I haven't for over a year. I forgot how enjoyable it could be to just sit and stitch without my mind flitting to something to worry about. :p

Now for the fun. For months I've been a fan of the Nostalgia Critic (http://www.thatguywiththeglasses.com). His reviews are always funny, and I was actually there when he had a contest for a Nostalgia Chick. My personal favorite won! She hasn't had an episode up since Christmas and I hoped she hadn't thrown in the towel.

She came back today, with a vengeance:

Nostalgia Chick - "Labyrinth" review
http://thatguywiththeglasses.com/videolinks/thedudette/nostalgia-chick/5570-labyrinth

This is sooooooo dead-on and hysterical. Be warned for numerous "Area" jokes, as anyone who's ever seen this movie will have already known would be included.

And hopefully more frequent updates from me since I have Internet back at my house, w00t! :D

1. Money problems being sorted - check!

Internet will still be sporadic, but I should have more opportunities to post. Finally accepted and have an appointment with a bankruptcy lawyer. Even though they can't garnish my disability payments, the creditors can still call and make my life hell. Not going to give them that chance. And I figured out (yes, with a good old-fashioned calculator) that with as many years as I've been paying, I've actually repaid my full debt in interest. So take that!

2. Path forward - found!

Not only do I have an appointment with the lawyer next week, me, my counselor, and my Mom are going to tour a couple facilities with day programs for people with head injuries. Which will point me in the direction of what my options are with my new limitations.

I've finally come to the "acceptance" part of the grieving process, thank heaven. Accepting that these are the things I need to do. And realizing I need to do things different is NOT weakness.

3. Theory on specialist I need - confirmed!

For a few months now, I've been interested in trying to find a neuropsychologist to assess me. Only problem is, my primary care has been insistent on sending me to regular neurologists ever since I was hurt. The latest neurologist specializes in migraines, and after having seen her, my suspicions were confirmed. She was shocked her "usual" medications she prescribed didn't work on me (they pushed my episodes off and made them worse), and was skeptical of the medications that *do* work for me.

Then I actually found a documentary on youtube, of all places, about traumatic brain injury. And all the doctors that spokes were neuropsychologists! Now I have ammo to gently but firmly request a recommendation.

Now I'm playing the waiting game until next week. I'll post more updates then, I promise!

Yes, folks, updates will be even more sporadic now. No more Internet at home, so I'm typing from the local gaming parlor to let everyone know I'm still breathing, even if barely.

Life is running like a fortunately/unfortunately book.

Extremely good news: I was actually approved for disability the very first go-round. I was absolutely shocked! Perhaps it had something to do with the mountain of paperwork and all the documentation I was able to provide. Or everybody thinking of me. Either way, I'm very grateful.

( And this is why 'dessert' should be eaten first )

So even though I won't be posting very often until things get sorted, I'll be thinking of all of you. I miss you crazies something fierce! :)

1. HMO chosen for my health insurance (which I didn't find out I needed to choose one until months after being approved. Thanks, people). After spending 2 days in the state office. With all the smells, sounds, bright lights, and having a nice breakdown in the middle of it all. Whoopie.

2. Medications finally straightened out thanks to an absolutely wonderful Pharmacy manager and my desperate "I don't care how much it costs; meds that work nao plzkthks!". *hugs big huge bottle of previously-out-of-circulation pills tightly*

3. Added another break to the party. My left little toe didn't appreciate how my legs twisted when my knees gave out from under me while trying to get out of bed a few days ago. *sigh*

4. Feverish whirl of creativity as a result of being higher than a kite from straight morphine due to aforementioned toe. Wheeeeeeeee! Coherent? Probably not...

5. Getting Internet access back today, since the router's been being pissy lately and I couldn't get downstairs to fix it with aforementioned toe. So Dad got the honors (and was none too happy about it, but oh well).

6. And now for the most important thing:

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all! :D

I have no freaking clue. :p

It seems my sleep patterns are completely out of whack lately. For example, night before last I turned in at 10ish. Last night, I had a bout of insomnia and didn't fall asleep until 4am! I have a nice hardcover of wonderful reading material calling my name, but I want to be conscious when do. And awake =/= conscious lately.

Good news is my new therapist and I are getting along well. I found out that her previous line of employment was as an editor. o_O So when I pull something literary out of my head, I don't have to spend 10 minutes explaining what I was trying to say.

Fortunately this week is calm, as far as I know. So hopefully I'll have more time for fun rather than just surviving day-to-day.

And I blame scottmatthew for this: I think my creative juices are starting to flow again. It's just a paragraph here or a sentence there, but seeing something on the screen again gives me such a rush of joy. Like seeing an old friend again (hmm.. parallel). :D

I have bits and pieces of 8-9 stories littered about my hard-drive now. Everything from the random plot bunnies that won't go anywhere to a resurgence of my "magnum opus". Reason I call it that is I worked on the story from 7th grade until I graduated high school. At the time I thought it was the best thing since sliced bread. I came across my very first notebook of it hidden in a drawer and went "solid ideas, but NO idea how to truly go about it". So I'm playing around with trying to start it again. Especially as the climate of its original fandom has changed drastically since the advent of the Internet.

I'm rambling, aren't I? Oh well. At least you guys know I'm alive. ;)

The local radio station I listen to is WFKL, otherwise known as "Fickle". The reason I listen to it so much is because it plays many different types of music, from country to alternative, from the 60's to present day. They won my heart the day I heard them play "Disco Duck" for heavens' sake!

So I was listening as usual, minding my own business, when all of a sudden...

"Here Comes Santa Claus" comes booming out the speakers.

It's too early! *whines*

It's like companies completely forget Thanksgiving exists.

Have I dropped off the face of the earth? Why yes, yes I have.

Alot of it is I'm simply trying to avoid thinking about life in general as I wait for the next step to come. If I think about it, I start to worry, which stresses me out, which causes more "episodes", so I've been drowning myself in media. Lots of reading, watching anime and a couple reality shows, way too much World of Warcraft...

Anything to stave off the anxiety of waiting.

At least the person who is deciding my case seems to be looking as in-depth as she can. Every couple of weeks, she calls because she's finding out more information. We're talking over a decade of records, poor woman. I'm just hoping it's all enough.

I'm not doing much physically, but I suppose I'm just spiritually weary.

I just want to thank everybody for putting up with me during this phase. I don't mean to be so selfish; it's completely unintentional, and I'm coming to terms with the fact it seems to be necessary.

I'm still not used to the idea of my own weakness, even if Superman has his kryptonite. :p

What do you get when you put someone on pain meds on even higher pain meds?

WHEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! :DDDDDDDDDD

Right now, I really support legal drugs!

Why did I have to be medded out of what little mind I have left?

You see, whenever something happens to me, it can't be normal. "Oh, I twisted my ankle playing soccer", nope. Never for me. I had actually finally had a smidgen of money that I found hidden in the darkest, deepest regions of a drawer, so I took my Mom out to Cheesecake Factory since she had never been. I was in my element of lunch barbeque chicken pizza, a nice salad with honey mustard, and chocolate chip cookie dough cheesecake. Happily nom-ing away, not a care in the world.

Then I went to take a bite of salad and decided to try and eat the fork tine instead.

Now I have a charming chip in my left front tooth. Which isn't all that bad, but for some reason my tooth was absolutely *killing* me. It felt like the darn thing split entirely in half or sommat. I knew it was kinda the "papercut principle" (You know, how a deep cut hurts less than a papercut), but went to the dentist to have it checked out anyway.

X-ray says I wasn't just imagining things. There's a hairline fracture in the jaw between my left front tooth and the one to the left side of it. And they couldn't tell exactly how much damage was done to the nerve, but they put me on antibiotics and pain meds to hopefully stave off anything major. Best case scenario that they're striving for: Will be cleared up by next week. Absolute worst case scenario: Nerve too damaged and root canal yay.

Yes, I'm still living up to the title granted in my high school senior yearbook: Most Accident Prone. :p

Any and all lurkers who have not yet seen my private posts, I sincerely apologize for worrying you all! It's just life has taken a 180 on me again, and I'm getting back on my feet at the moment. Things are coming together at the moment, but the juicier details I'm keeping f-locked just in case Big Brother pokes its nose in. Silliness may pop up more again now.

On the good news front: I have my World of Warcraft access back, so I'm able to play again!

Writing has had to be relegated to the mountain of paperwork I have been *cough* blessed with.

Found a couple new fandom loves to add to my collection (I found a new anime love: Majin Tantei Nougami Neuro! <3 )

Here's to hoping I'll be able to update more often again! :D

The last 24 hours.. man. Nothing horribly terrible, just a big bunch of o_O.

First, last night while I was just sitting on my bed, my glasses decided they'd had enough and literally fell off my face. A portion on the left nosepiece snapped away from the band that goes over the bridge of my nose, leaving me with two halves. I'm legally blind without said glasses, so I'm going to have to go shopping for a new pair when the mall opens (huge expense I don't need ARGH). Reason I can type is I found even though the place it broke is too small for tape, I have a pair of really old-fashioned clip-on sunglasses that I inherited from my paternal grandmother. They have wicked metal hooks to hold the lenses, and between them and the planes of my face, at least I can sit and do nothing (like type, heh). I suppose after 10 years of having the same frames, they're entitled to give out.

Then this morning I was trying to sleep through my brother having a rough morning. He's mentally disabled, so his mental age is between 3-5 years old, even though he's 25. When he's upset, he tends to pound on things, and we always try and distract him or get him to beat up a pillow. We've been so incredibly lucky in that regard.. until now.

He actually put his fist through the window of the back bathroom. o_O So we now have a broken window, he has a cut on his hand which makes things interesting since it keeps bleeding and he will not leave a bandage on. We're trying liquid skin stuff, but he keeps trying to take that off, too.

I hope the reformat I had to give my laptop yesterday counts as breakage #3. We can't afford to have any more!